


for you i might (but cannot, no)

by lilithiumwords



Category: The Expanse (TV)
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Angst, F/M, Mild Sexual Content, Possibly Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-06-02
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:20:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24511438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilithiumwords/pseuds/lilithiumwords
Summary: After Eros, Naomi finds out what Holden didn't mean to hide. It doesn't change her desire.
Relationships: Jim Holden/Naomi Nagata
Comments: 6
Kudos: 40





	for you i might (but cannot, no)

Naomi isn't sure why it takes so long for her to figure it out. She's smarter than this, but maybe it's a sign she should pay attention to: she is blind when it comes to James Holden. For that reason, it takes her the better part of five years to understand what he is, and what he means to her. It takes him almost dying for her to understand his feelings; it takes him _living_ for her to act on them.

"This'll kill any cancer that dares to grow inside you," Naomi says, administering the shot to Miller, while Holden waits a few feet away. Both of them are done with their auto-doc treatment, which is a big relief, because it means Holden will get back to work sending them around the system on inane adventures. She's tired of being in charge.

"Ow!" Miller yelps, rubbing at his arm. "How long I gotta wear this?"

"Rest of your days," Naomi tells him, amused, as she prepares to give Holden the same shot. He rolls his sleeve up obediently. "You, ah, won't be able to procreate. I'm sorry."

"It's alright," Holden says, bracing himself. "I put some eggs on ice in the Navy. Swimmers, too."

Naomi is so surprised that she jabs him a little too hard, barely listening to the shout Holden lets out. He looks at her with wounded pride, but she's too stunned to say anything for a moment. She can only stare at him.

Eggs?

Miller doesn't seem to react to what Holden said. Maybe he wasn't paying attention, or maybe he didn't care. He's alpha just as she is, a rarity, and something she never imagined she would have in common with someone else. Not many Belters are alphas, something they are proud of, and Naomi has had to fight her fellow Belters' distrust for years. She wonders briefly if Miller ever went through the same mistreatment as she did, but she doesn't think to ask, too focused on Holden as she is. Somehow, despite nearly dying at Holden's side, she doubts that Miller paid much attention to Holden's scent.

Which has never once smelled like _omega_ in the five years she has known him.

"Well, I'd never wanted another me running around anyway, so..." Miller trails off, finally noticing the tension that has erupted between Naomi and Holden. Naomi wants to say something, many things, but she can't with Miller there. Holden is baffled by her, as if he expected her to _know._ Maybe she should have.

"Eggs?" Naomi asks quietly. She needs to hear him confirm it.

Holden only blinks at her. "Yeah?"

She doesn't let her frustration show on her face. "You have eggs. You're omega."

"Yeah? Wait, you didn't know?" Holden asks, his eyes widening. He seems just as thrown as Naomi is.

"No, I didn't know! I've never scented anything like that on you!" She tries to think back to all the times she's watched Holden, walked past him, scented him -- but she can't remember the scent of omega. She would have noticed. Any alpha worth their salt would have realized it.

"I mean," Holden says, looking a little confused, "I take scent blockers. Took them. They're probably going to wear off in a few days, after all the shit my body's been put through. You really didn't know?"

Naomi realizes she is overreacting. She's a little hurt that Holden hid it for so long. She can't explain to Holden that it changes things, even though it changes absolutely nothing between them. She has always been an alpha, and apparently, he has always been an omega. She's been attracted to him since day one, but not once did she let herself consider it. She always thought he was also an alpha, with the way he annoyed her so often, and she had sworn off other alphas long ago.

But... he's _omega._

Still, none of that is anything Holden needs to hear. She clears her throat and glances down at the device in her hands, pushing her shock away. "No. It's fine, though. If you need a few more days..."

Holden gives her another confused glance, but shakes his head. "No, no. A ship needs a captain. I don't know how you've managed without me." He looks up at her, solemn, but she can see the twinkle in his eye, and she lets the teasing relax her.

"Yeah," Naomi replies, just as solemn, "we've all been a wreck." The smile Holden gives her is worth the shock she was given earlier.

When Miller leaves, off in search of Holden's favorite machine on the ship, Naomi busies herself with cleaning up the medbay. Holden rolls his shoulder a few times, then pulls his sleeve back down and jumps off the bed.

"Think the auto-doc can make some scent blockers?" Holden asks out of the blue. Naomi blinks and looks over her shoulder at him. Right. Holden mentioned that his blockers would be fading soon. He must have taken the good ones, to keep his omega scent out of a tiny ice hauler like the _Canterbury_ for five years. 

She wonders what he really smells like.

"Probably," Naomi says, then adds, as casually as she can, "but do you really need them? You're not on the clock anymore."

Holden pauses, appearing to consider the idea. "No... you're right. I've just gotten used to taking them. Had to in the Navy, and on the _Cant._ "

She blinks, thrown by the comment. Maybe he hadn't been hiding it after all. "You had to?"

"Yeah. By-law in the work contract with Pur'N'Kleen," Holden says, tilting his head toward the door. She finishes up and follows him out of the room, falling in step beside him. "But I guess we're not under contract anymore."

"No. Well, it's up to you." 

They walk together for a quiet moment. Holden takes a deep breath, as if to say something, when a crash echoes down the hall. He shoots a glance at Naomi and takes off running, and she is quick to follow. They run into the galley, only to find Amos pinning Miller to the galley table in a choke hold. While Holden stops short at the stench of alpha pheromones flaring up, Naomi rushes forward and grabs Amos' arm to stop him.

Amos, one of the biggest alphas she has ever met, has only ever followed her orders. It takes a moment, almost too long for Miller's throat, but he eventually backs down, and she manages to keep Amos from killing anyone for another day. Miller gasps to catch his breath, and Holden lingers in the doorway, his eyes fixed on Amos as if he is a threat. He is, in a way, but never to them. Amos glances past Naomi at Holden, still heaving from the exertion of nearly killing a man, before he turns on his heel and walks away.

She wishes she knew what that was about, but she can't deal with it now. After making sure Miller is okay, Naomi goes after Amos, needing to know that he's alright.

She leaves Holden standing in the kitchen, stiff and uncomfortable. Not for the first time, it kills her to leave him like that, vulnerable and alone. At least now she understands why.

Stupid alpha instincts. If only she had been born a beta.

~*~

Omega. She can't stop thinking about it, even after she gets Amos and Miller settled and away from each other's posturing. She knows it's partly territorial, partly over Miller's friend who threatened her, but that's between Amos and Miller; she can't change what happened.

She's distracted, anyway. _Omega._ James Holden is an omega, and she never knew. She wonders if Alex and Amos know.

It stays on her mind. It takes only a few hours for Naomi to crack and ask the others about it.

Holden is downstairs, getting one last cup of coffee before they start the process of loading the protomolecule onto a torpedo and sending it away. Miller is also lurking around downstairs, reluctant to come up on the ops deck in an effort to avoid Amos, who has been ignoring him since their fight. Naomi doesn't like the tension, but she isn't sure how to fix it. Either way, she has more important things to worry about.

"Did either of you know that Holden is omega?"

" _What_?" Alex demands from above.

Across the deck, Amos goes still, fingers pressing against his screen. Then he shrugs a little. "Well, that makes sense," he finally says.

"Hang on a minute," Alex demands, all but jumping down the stairs. "Holden? As in our Holden, James Holden, bossiest of the alphas of the _Cant_?"

"Nope. He said so himself, he's omega," Naomi replies, relieved that neither of them noticed either. Alex stares at her, completely flabbergasted; she knows how he feels. She glances at Amos. "Why do you say it makes sense?"

"'Cause he didn't act like a normal alpha from Earth. Was it scent blockers?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah, that figures. I thought maybe he was beta, but he's done a few things that just screamed _omega_ , you know? I'm surprised they let him off Earth."

Alex frowns at that, overcoming some of his shock. "What do you mean?"

Amos looks over his shoulder, a little exasperated that they're asking. "On Earth, omegas are the only ones with priority breeding rights, so they rarely go offworld. Most of them try the reproduction lottery, or they end up in a marriage co-op for breeding, or on the streets because their alpha kicks them out for not being able to have kids. With his family the way it is..."

Naomi understands, suddenly. "They'd want him to carry on the line. But he can't have kids now."

"Can't?" Alex asks, a little hushed with shock. Amos raises his eyebrows in a silent question, and Naomi finds she can't lie to either of them. Miller already knows, anyway.

"The medicine for his cancer. He said he has some frozen, but..."

"Wow. Poor guy," Alex mutters. Naomi's seen the picture he keeps at his console, of a lovely omega woman and a boy, and she thinks he might actually feel sorry for Holden, unable to have children now.

Some part of Naomi agrees, the same part that aches over Filip, a constant she always feels. The larger part of her feels relief. Holden can't impregnate anyone now, or get pregnant if he falls into bed with her -- and she is considering it now. She wants, very badly, to know what it's like to be with him, to have him. Knowing he is omega, and has been all this time, doesn't erase her attraction to him; if anything it only makes her desires worse. She wants him. He's _safe_ ; she will always be safe from him using her child against her, because they can't have any together.

And she doesn't want to share him. She eyes Amos and Alex, wondering how they will react. Amos fucks anything that moves, but he doesn't have sex with those he cares about, something she learned long ago. Whether he actually cares about Holden past his capacity as Amos' commanding officer is debatable. Alex always uses the excuse that he's married, but he hasn't been back to his family in years, and she's seen the way he looks at Holden, respectfully, but still with desire. The way Amos also looks at Holden, but Amos hasn't made a derogatory comment about Holden since he figured out that Naomi is in love with him.

She hates alpha posturing, so she really doesn't want to make a point about it. But on the small chance that either one of them is interested...

"So long as none of us gets into a territorial fight over him, it's fine by me," Amos says, interrupting her thoughts. He stands up from his crash couch and walks over to them, calm as ever, and she draws strength from that. Naomi meets his eyes, tensing suddenly, while Alex looks startled by the idea. A long, uncomfortable moment passes, before Amos shrugs. "It's just Holden, anyway."

"Yeah, just Holden," Alex agrees, suddenly relaxing. Naomi stays quiet, trying to process the relief she feels, the way her desire wants to bubble over. 

She's known her own feelings for a long time now, and she knows that Holden is attracted to her as well, but this is something _more_. Something stronger than she understood. An innate drive of her alpha to his omega? No, that never mattered before, when she thought he was something else. But now he's within her grasp. He could be _hers._

"He's still Cap though, right?" Amos asks out of the blue, making Naomi blink at him.

"I'm not taking the job again," she says defensively. Amos grins at her, and Alex snorts.

"None of us want to, which is why we're making Holden do it."

"People might think it's funny," Amos says with a smirk. "Three alphas, following an mouthy omega around to save the system. It'd be interesting." Amos looks amused at the thought, and Naomi huffs a laugh, letting herself relax.

"Interesting is one word for it. Alright, let's get Holden away from the coffee maker and take care of this protomolecule shit."

~*~

What follows really doesn't surprise Naomi. The emotional intimacy of Holden's honesty, his fear, his need to do right by them -- it isn't omega, really. It's just Holden, carrying all of the weight of the world on his shoulders and hating himself. She loves him for it, even though he exasperates her.

And she wants him for it, too.

Sex with Holden, with _Jim,_ is a wonder. He responds to her more than any of her other lovers ever did. When he's pressed inside her, holding her up against the wall with big hands, she presses her nose to his neck and breathes in deeply, trying to find that scent that has eluded her for years. She gets a hint of it then, something purely _omega_ , and it sends her through a shuddering orgasm, dragging him along and leaving them both panting and clinging to each other.

The relief she feels when she pushes _him_ against the wall and takes him for her own a few minutes later is just as sweet.

~*~

Jim doesn't take the scent blockers anymore, and soon he smells like he should, like omega, like he's _hers_. Naomi watches each of the other alphas on the ship, wary, but other than a few wide-eyed glances from Alex, none of them seem to care. She puts her worry aside, relieved, and focuses on other things.

She doesn't bond with him, nothing more than a preliminary bond to keep an eye on him, and even that feels like too much. It might be love, might be desire so strong it hurts, but Naomi doesn't want something like that tying her down, least of all to an Earther with a death wish. No matter how much she respects Jim, she can't let herself be misled again.

Even if it leaves him available to anyone who might be interested. Even if she can see that it hurts him, for her to reject him like that. It doesn't matter at the end of the day. She can't give him any more than that, and despite his desire otherwise, he accepts it.

She loves him for that, too.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the prologue to a larger story that will eventually be Holden/Naomi/Amos/Alex, if anyone shows any interest. It can be standalone, though, if you ignore the hints. I just wanted to explore omegaverse and alpha Naomi and omega Holden for a little while.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed! Let me know what you think! (*´♡`*)


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